Every time I am beginning to achieve some kind of recognition consistently, I back off into being a nobody. I fumblefingers obligations and lose track of deadlines and get ill from stress and switch tracks entirely.
I’ve done this so many times that it’s Definitely A Pattern.
I’ve tried to tell therapists about it and gotten confusion or dismissal, which means that if it is a specific pattern or symptom that should be recognizable, I am consulting the wrong therapists or describing it the wrong way.
But it is an enormous obstacle to living any kind of life that I want.
Because I want, and have wanted, recognition all my life, and I am not shy of honest confrontation, but I am sweaty-palms depersonalization panic attack phobic of the type of conflict where other people (intentionally, or accidentally) call into question who and what you are. And whenever it happens, it stops me dead in my tracks and stops my projects, too.
I am thirty years old and ridiculously intelligent and it has done me no good. I solve problems for other people regularly and well, but cannot solve my own. I need to move on from this thing that has hindered me so long. I’m open to suggestions.