this was supposed to be a story about equius and jade and i somehow managed to put in a substantial amount of helmsman body horror what’s wrong with me
nothing’s wrong with you
everything’s just objectively better with helmsman body horror (◕‿◕✿)
I’m beyond exhausted with the attitude that the only reason I could possibly exist publicly as a mentally ill person is because I’m trying to get attention or something
Instead of maybe I just want to BE and not have to hide a huge aspect of my life out of terror
Everyone who makes judgments about who’s ‘real’ or not is inevitably forcing lots of mentally ill people to go stealth and I don’t think that’s unintentional. Their vitriol is directed at US, make no mistake. Not just ‘fakers,’ since people will decide we’re ‘fake’ for any old reason.
Agreed. Completely. And it makes me furious.
In fact, this whole culture of looking for people who are “just attention seeking” makes me furious.
Because it’s this really broad thing, that’s being applied across the board to a lot of people, and it’s so fucking pointless and destructive, yet people love to do it.
And it’s the people who are genuine who are hit the hardest.
Unlike some things treated as needs, attention is a physical human need. People can die from not having it. How dare people seek something necessary for survival. Next thing you know they’ll be seeking food and water, too.
Which is a separate issue entirely from the way this gets used to shut disabled people up.
I am not 100% sure, but my informal surveys suggest that, for many autistics, it’s not particularly a need, or at least, not a need that can possibly go unfulfilled while living on a planet containing other humans. And this, I think, is one of the reasons that the “you’re doing it for attention” thing is such a sore point for many of us. It’s not just an insulting presumption, it’s an incomprehensible one.
I have heard people talking about needing attention. None of the things they describe have been comprehensible to me…
i once had an ex-friend flip the fuck out on me when i shared my diagnoses on my blog, accusing me of not only doing it for attention, but having made all these up just then, since it was the first he’d heard of them.
and i was like
yep things only come into existence when you find out about them
the galaxy is empty because you personally have no interest in astronomy, for instance
and as for attention, you’re the one who decided to have a massive, multi-post public tantrum about it…
it’s like if i posted “hey so i got a prius it’s p cool” and some entitled wankfountain wrote me an allcaps novel about how only smug hipster doucherags drive hybrids and i obviously only bought one for the attention
no man i bought it so i could go places on roads? you just decided to give me all this attention for reasons of your own? and i don’t have a use for it actually so if you could stop giving it to me that would be super cool
so to everyone who’s ever given me crap about not hiding my disabilities, nah, i’ve been working on finding accurate diagnoses because they help me develop coping strategies and tailor my life for maximum functionality. you decided to make a federal issue out of my personal life all by yourself. e_e
one time I had a person in a comment thread that was about something else entirely go off on me and say they “weren’t comfortable talking to vegetarians” because my livejournal profile mentioned I was vegetarian and they “had issues with that.”
note that nowhere did my livejournal profile mention that I was POLITICALLY vegetarian, for reasons of I haven’t been political about it since I was prepubescent. I was just raised ovo-lacto veg and eat what smells like food to me. Which currently includes a little bit of chicken and a little bit of fish; red meat still smells distinctly non-foodlike so I’m not in a hurry to try it (stray bits of beef have given me stomachaches before) and it’s easier just to say ‘vegetarian’ rather than going into long explanations.
the kicker? their livejournal profile mentioned their food allergies. I brought up this fact. They never responded; I still wonder what they would have said. I suspect it would have been one of those weird, defensive “you are only allowed to avoid eating a food if you have a medical diagnosis, otherwise you must forcefeed yourself things you find unpleasant and/or which give you physically unpleasant feelings” moralistic nonsensical US bootstrap complex things.
My dad, grandmother, and I along with my girlfriend are DESPERATELY trying to raise money to find a house for us and our three beautiful cats. We’ve sold as many of our expendable things as we can and we still don’t have nearly enough, we need to raise $1,500 dollars at the very least and we are…
Well the situation just got progressively worse… The apartment manager found out that me, my girlfriend, my dad, and our cats are staying here and we’re being told to vacate within the week with NO WHERE to go, and we still only have $170 out of $1,500 raised. So unless we make this happen fast, we’re going to be on the streets, and who knows where our cats are going to be because there is absolutely nowhere for them to go and we just can’t, CAN’T get rid of them, they’re our family too. Please spread this around again..!! I didn’t think the situation could get any worse, I’m on the verge of a breakdown and I don’t know what to do anymore. Anyone who donates anything above $10 dollars will recieve a bust drawing of their choice from me. We need this so badly, please, please help..!!
GoFundMe Moving Emergency Donation Page
Ugh I have very intense but disjointed thoughts about helmsman maintenance right now. It’s all…refitting the tubing and scraping gunk out of ports and washing whatever bits of body are still existent, and, and, there’s droopy filmed-over eyes and gnarly misgrown horns oh fuck this is so gross why do I feel like I need a moment.
I just. Helmsmen.
It hadn’t occurred to me until today that there’s another obvious cause of Damara’s… whatever Damara did… besides Meenah’s bullying and Rufioh cheating on her and her linguistic isolation — she was the Time player of a null session which dragged on for years and produced dozens or hundreds or thousands of doomed timelines. Since the Time player always seems to be involved in either creating or averting doomed timelines/selves, she would have to have been a busy Time player — and without an extra dimensional spotter who could see her entire timeline at once (unless she had an unusually gifted Exile) and without being a fatalistic robot.
Did she try to go back and fix things and only create another doomed timeline? How many times? Did she try jumping forward, and did she see what could have become of them if they hadn’t scratched? Did she do stable loops, and so experience even more time in the game? Did she get used to dead Damaras or doomed Damaras? Did the ghosts of dead Damaras hang around indefinitely talking to her? (Okay, so I don’t even know if she has Aradia’s powers, but she might!) What sorts of powers could a Witch of Time use to try to make the situation better and how would they go wrong, because the alpha timeline will not be challenged?
Now I’ve made myself really sorry for Damara…
Wow. I think helmsman!Gamzee is basically the “YOU CROSSED THE STREEEEAAAAMMMS” of body horror in this fandom. :D
I think it is.
hmm, so. IDEAS!
obviously you *could* do a bloodswap or powerswap; but then there’s also the chucklevoodoos thing you mentioned (Makaras being made into living weapons…) Which… both works and doesn’t, in a weird way, in that chucklevoodoos are a mind control power primarily. So if you were going to psychically enslave someone with that trait, you’d want…
…someone with a stronger version of the same trait, I imagine, to do it?
Bring on the dark Makaracest.
You could alternately go with: horrorterror powers » chucklevoodoos (enabling a Peixes to be in charge, or maybe a very AU Rose); or the technology confers an immunity for the person or people running it -
Maybe close connections with death confer an immunity to chucklevoodoos - you can’t fear death when you’re beyond it, right? - and a Megido is holding his chains.
whoops I like that too much especially with the Handmaid
(… just throwing random ideas at the wall here, anyone who wants feel free to join in.
Some stuff from murderstuck (and onwards) seems to imply that they can also be used to influence fear and rage. Though Gamzee’s powers seem to be more insidious than Kurloz’s straight up mind control. Also how much it interlocks with classpect powers is also a thing. And there’s influence over dreams which is kinda interesting.
(Canon is vague, though)
So, basically, what you’ve have is Gamzee being used to demoralize enemies at the core of it, then it could be fine-tuned or cranked up depending who has the reins. (also interesting is the state that he might have to be in in order for this to work)
Makaracest is good. GHB or Kurloz using Gamzee as an unwilling extension of his own power so increase it exponentially.
Though horrorterrors are a nice addition!
And I hadn’t even thought of Rose or the Handmaid.
yes, i agree!!; harnessing his chucklevoodoos to weaponise them is exactly what i had in mind — a psychic attack weapon, basically.
i’d like it most if it had the element of violence and wasn’t consensual, really (apart from maybe some weirdos because; always room for weirdos) —
and i think it could be a thing done to highblood rejects?
like that: gamzee’s a bad troll, unfit (bad health and stunted growth b/c sopor&upbringinging and a ‘bad attitude’) but he is a highblood — which means he’s valuable enough to not get culled, but still in a position to lose privileges or to be made to serve the empire in unpleasant ways.
there are ways to use purplebloods that aren’t good subjugglator material for the glory of the empire and that’s one of them.
I totally had it in mind as non-consensual, personally. I pictured the scenario being more about him as a subject of horror rather than the object of it, though beyond Amberite’s post, it seems be more about the latter (obviously, a combination both is also an interesting option). It’s super cool that it picked up speed enough for nice artwork to be made of it, though. It’s just there’s a weird disconnect when I look at what some people are saying (but that’s actually a subject for a different post, probably).
But yeah, as a would usually be culled scenario, it’s pretty appealing that he be used for what he can be, instead. (as you know, Gamzee-as-object is a Thing for me). And, also, one of the things I saw was how Makaras were dangerous to harness and could not be which is odd for me because, while definitely capable of terrible things, Gamzee strikes me so much as a thing somebody would exploit as a weapon.
From Amberite’s post, you could either have gross Makaracest (something else that is near and dear to my heart) with GHB. Gamzee is now his greatest weapon and an amplification of his powers. Alternatively, he’s now the Empress’s pet and there’s creepy horrorterror shit going on.
An AU version of Kurloz as we see him as a dancestor would also be cool because of his general creepiness and possible obsessiveness towards Gamzee.
One thing that’s interesting here with Gamzee is that the dubious consent can come about due to coercion rather than actual force. This is actually something I prefer with Gamzee due to stuff like his devotion to dubious causes etc etc. So like, it’s not something he registers as immediately bad and it’s ostensibly willing, even, but still, it’s terrible.
A very AU Rose is also something that I’d like to think about, but I’m not sure how at the moment because, obviously, she’s really very much unlike the other possibilities in Amberite’s post. But I’m such a sucker for weird pairings and scenarios that it’s super interesting.
I’m also really into Megido/Makara interaction stuff (not necessarily sexual/romantic stuff), and it makes sense for the subjugglators to have links to the handmaiden. (obv there is kind of an interesting triad with handmaid/ghb/empress but that’s ot) so there’s room for maybe mythological stuff.
Or, like, cheerful technician!Aradia attending to dubiously consenting Gamzee and he’s devout and talks about his suffering in casual roundabout ways and they have philosophical discussions whilst she readies the toxins that put him in the state he needs to be in order to start blasting. They get along super well.
OH YES I like all of these ideas!!
(I bolded that one sentence up there especially, because my interests exactly! It felt a bit weird yesterday, tbh, when I got home to tumblr and found that an idea I dropped had picked up fandom speed during my sleeping and working and time zone shenanigans — which is amazing! — but had also gained the sort of spin to it that I’m least interested in: Spooky highblood aesthetics or a sense that Gamzee is ‘into’ bad things done to him.)
Back to tattered concerns, it’s probably not more difficult to harness chucklevoodoos than to harness any other kind of psychic powers (like Captor psionic) that you as individual troll or even small army would be helpless against? Since it’s never about individual strength but about the whole system they find themselves in and who has power in it. And I’m sure they technically amplify and direct the powers to their convenience, then.
Totally share your preference that it’s not “by force”, but a “nice offer” to Gamzee, or something that Gamzee does participate in “willingly”; but. With so many “”” you know. Because consent is complicated if the church is your family and there are very few ways for you to not be useless or when you’re impressionable for ideas about religious destiny or such or nasty things have been done to your previously.
A bit like this very disturbing and good Gamzee AU I read in my early fandom days, Sticthing Up Boys by Edoro (you can still see my very happy comment I wrote about in back then and that still sums up my feelings about what interests me about this kind of scenario; I know you know the fic but not everybody else might, so, link!)
I’d like most if that kind of thing was rare-ish, but not a special Gamzee punishment thing. It’s done, but not commonly so. You do have to fuck up a lot on several levels as young purple kid (and have strong chucklevoodoos) to be chosen for this position, but the process still remains very impersonal; even if big players like the GHB and the Condesce got involved.
For HIC, it would be nice to own this especially fine weapon because only the best for the Empress’s ship, and it’s highly entertaining to have a mini-GHB be part of her arsenal, what with actual GHB being both a pain in the ass and someone she’s fond of. I imagine that she’d coo over him and find everything cute, even terrible things like drugged expressions of pain or totally inefficient small discontents; but especially when he’d talk religion while tied up like that, because abububububu Mini-Kurloz.
As for Kurloz, yes — unhealthy obsession: Young Gamzee DOES serve the angel best in this position, and he serves him, too, can basically be seen as part OF him and what he stands for what with how much he holds the reigns here, which is just perfect.
Not sure where the horrorterror shit fits in? But I’m always ready for horrorterror shit.
Megido involvement (both mythological anyway and also in the processes) is SO MUCH YES.
Your last paragraph; *rubs face in it* I love.
Yes this Megido/Makara newsletter is definitely the kind I would like to subscribe to plz.
(not much more comment at the moment because 5 AM, but I wanted to share this. ^_^ I know those feels when you leave a reply comment on a post, the reply chain gives rise to a rebloggable post and your comment isn’t in the rebloggable version? so anyway, everyone should know that Chamlis did the thing initially. Also, if you have feels about Makaras and like watching them undergo terribad things on account of your feels the way I have feels about Captors and like watching them undergo terribad things on account of my feels, not-invented-here is a gr8 blog to follow.
and I almost wrote ‘eels’ several times. bed now, I think.)
solluxisms replied to your post:
Part of me wants to say “I know that feel, and I hope that goes away soon.” Another part wants to say “Paging Amberite!”Not sure if ‘ew, ouch’, or ‘neat!’.
We must embrace our pain and burn it as fuel for our body horror headcanons.
TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER SPOKEN
(I hope you’re feeling better, though!)
sometimes i really want nails like this because they are the most gorgeous thing i’ve ever seen and i would feel like a fiery royal goddess
but then i remember that i chew my nails compulsively and snagged a hangnail on a crinoline skirt a while ago and it was one of the most painful events in recent memory so
maybe not a good idea
eliot spencer is the kind of guy that pretends to be annoyed with u all the time but will genuinely sit with u and watch ur favorite movie seventeen times in a row and let you braid his hair if it would make u feel better
Bitching the whole time.
but he still makes you cupcakes while he’s bitching
'what do you mean you don't have real vanilla extract? get up, we're going to the store'
It’ll be like a stripclub party, ‘cause there’s hotties hanging from the walls. 0w0
Ain’t no party like a Captor party cause a Captor party don’t stop… for thousands of sweeps… while you hang from the ceiling and power a battleship… or maybe get stuck in perpetually-teenage ghost stasis…
u GUISE just go over to my fauxrail’s blog okay
body (horror) shots for everyone!
- tatterdemalionAmberite: wow this week is like the most amazing body horror/kink week on tumblr ever
- Titian Archivist: ikr
- Titian Archivist: i want to invite the entire captor fandom out for drinks so hard like this occasion merits a legit party
I’m not dead, my blog is not inactive. I’ve been through an amazing series of Problems in the past month and faced it by isolating myself like a piece of shit
Most of my Problems are now solved or…at least not immediately apparent. It’s mostly work drama, friend drama, and money drama that could all be easily resolved by dumping this circus shit and getting a real job but the thought of doing that makes me kinda upset. I can’t tell if this reaction is determination or something more akin to Stockholm syndrome. The circus has lost its magic for me. All I want from life on the road is to continue life on the road, and while my current gig offers me that I’m sure there’s other things I could do that would treat me better and pay me more. I’m just not ready to give up the people I’ve met on this adventure.
After a lot of phone calls and texts and negotiations and being I’ve nailed down housing for my next jump. I’ll be in the DC area, if you’re from there drop me a line we’ll do drinks. I’m hoping to get a second job while I’m there so maybe I can start really turning shit around.
For now I figure I got three days to clean out my commission queue. I might pick up a few more before I go, had to have some car repairs so I am tight on money. I want to get back into running this blog but I’m kind of in this state where I gotta keep myself constantly engaged in active meatspace shit or I will start Worrying. Maybe getting back into fandom would be a good thing. I’m excited to catch up on Defiance and have been aiming to poke my head around a little the Detentionaire fandom. And I mean. I’ll never stop being a filthy homestuck.
Anyway this felt good to write. Sorry to hit your dashes with such a long post. Sorry to be gone for so long. Gonna blow the dust out of my computer tonight and maybe hang around Skype and do some proper blogging so. See y’all soon, stay gorgeous!
Lemme know if there’s anything we can do to help out!
Good to hear from you. And. Uh. My blog the last couple of pages has been like… well, the reason I thought of you and was like “hey what is Breezy up to oh yikes long time no post” was because I wrote piss kink for the first time and Aewin wrote… a whole bunch of stuff but this emeto RoxyPsii I requested makes me think of you too (and it goes without saying probably that both of those links are NSFW as all hell) and there’s been the pearl-forming seadweller headcanon (Aewin wrote a fic about that too, it’s on his blog today 7/20) and that “what happens when a helmsman catches an illness” fic irismusicia wrote was pretty lovely and uhhhhh helmsman-ish Makaras are the topic du jour so -
Yeah. Welcome back. We have smut for you. <3